Letting Go

My pain in the ass is still a pain in the ass. Despite four weeks of PT, I am still suffering from the deep, er, gluteal pain and the resulting sciatic issues that derives from it: pain and burning down the back of my leg, a sharp ache in my hip, and now a tingling sensation all the way on the sole of my foot. Add to t his the horrible side effects of the muscle relaxants my doctor prescribed for me, and I am rather unhappy with the way my body is misbehaving.

My x-rays were clear. My MRI is yet to be checked, although I did complete a terrifyingly claustrophobic session this Wednesday. I honestly don't think the MRI will offer any golden nuggets of Aha! That is what's wrong with Monica! I cranked up the treadmill on Wednesday, and I ran a mile at (GASP!) 5.0, and all I got for my workout was a pain-filled Thursday sitting on the heating pad and downing pain meds. This soon resulted in a three-hour nap.

I hate naps. Taking a nap mid-day makes my head feel fuzzy, and then I get nothing accomplished for the rest of the day.

I've pretty much self-diagnosed myself with piriformis syndrome. It fits all of the symptoms I have, plus it seems pretty common in runners and women. I fell in the shower 1.5 years ago, when all this pain in the assery began, and I am pretty sure I hit the exact spot on the side of the tub. I've since learned that an injury to that muscle causes swelling and stiffness, which in turn affects the sciatic nerve. Yippee.

My physio thinks I need to build up my muscle strength, which it all out of whack, especially after my pregnancy last year. It makes sense. A full-on baby belly can do some major damage to the muscles and connective tissue in the abdomen. So I focus on building muscle strength, and I come to the point I don't want to be at: not running.

Not running has been one of those ideas I've pushed to the back on my mind for a while now. I've been doing so well, and I am desperately trying to lose weight. What finally hit me, after my last foray in the gym, was that I am not giving my body the time it needs to heal and adjust. So I am going to forgo the run for a few weeks, maybe longer. I will try the elliptical, the bike, or the pool instead. I will focus on eating healthier, and watching my caloric intake. I will try and let go.

Now is not the time to build miles, obsess about the scale or become a gym fanatic. Now is the time to love myself enough to get better, stronger. I need to take care of myself now, at this stage instead of telling myself that I will be happy when I get back down to my goal weight.

It's going to be hard, that I know for sure.