Letting Go

My pain in the ass is still a pain in the ass. Despite four weeks of PT, I am still suffering from the deep, er, gluteal pain and the resulting sciatic issues that derives from it: pain and burning down the back of my leg, a sharp ache in my hip, and now a tingling sensation all the way on the sole of my foot. Add to t his the horrible side effects of the muscle relaxants my doctor prescribed for me, and I am rather unhappy with the way my body is misbehaving.

My x-rays were clear. My MRI is yet to be checked, although I did complete a terrifyingly claustrophobic session this Wednesday. I honestly don't think the MRI will offer any golden nuggets of Aha! That is what's wrong with Monica! I cranked up the treadmill on Wednesday, and I ran a mile at (GASP!) 5.0, and all I got for my workout was a pain-filled Thursday sitting on the heating pad and downing pain meds. This soon resulted in a three-hour nap.

I hate naps. Taking a nap mid-day makes my head feel fuzzy, and then I get nothing accomplished for the rest of the day.

I've pretty much self-diagnosed myself with piriformis syndrome. It fits all of the symptoms I have, plus it seems pretty common in runners and women. I fell in the shower 1.5 years ago, when all this pain in the assery began, and I am pretty sure I hit the exact spot on the side of the tub. I've since learned that an injury to that muscle causes swelling and stiffness, which in turn affects the sciatic nerve. Yippee.

My physio thinks I need to build up my muscle strength, which it all out of whack, especially after my pregnancy last year. It makes sense. A full-on baby belly can do some major damage to the muscles and connective tissue in the abdomen. So I focus on building muscle strength, and I come to the point I don't want to be at: not running.

Not running has been one of those ideas I've pushed to the back on my mind for a while now. I've been doing so well, and I am desperately trying to lose weight. What finally hit me, after my last foray in the gym, was that I am not giving my body the time it needs to heal and adjust. So I am going to forgo the run for a few weeks, maybe longer. I will try the elliptical, the bike, or the pool instead. I will focus on eating healthier, and watching my caloric intake. I will try and let go.

Now is not the time to build miles, obsess about the scale or become a gym fanatic. Now is the time to love myself enough to get better, stronger. I need to take care of myself now, at this stage instead of telling myself that I will be happy when I get back down to my goal weight.

It's going to be hard, that I know for sure.

What I Really, Really Needed

It was nice outside yesterday. It didn't quite reach 100 degrees, the sky was overcast, and it was temperate enough to get outside for an actual run. No treadmill; just me and the streets and the gravel.

I did three miles outside. It was wonderful to be able to run somewhere, as opposed to nowhere on a treadmill. I didn't do all that well, I had to walk for a long while near the end, but I chalk that up to being dehydrating and recovering from the aftereffects of the muscle relaxant my doctor gave me. But it was nice to get outside, and I remember now why I chose to run.

The weather is supposed to hold like this for another few days. If I wake up early enough tomorrow, maybe I can get out there again, before the children wake and need me.

In other related news, I have mostly weaned Mia, and the weight is finally coming off. This despite eating an ungodly amount of drive-thru food the past few weeks. I really need to take a look at my diet and start eating better.

Running Nowhere

I have been troubled by severe sciatic pain for the past two years or so. It was at its worst when I was pregnant with Mia. Although I don't feel the pain with running, it does seem to exacerbate it a bit. It got bad enough that I made an appointment with the family doctor to discuss the pain. He sent me for x-rays, which came back all normal. He then sent me off for a few weeks of physical therapy.

Physical therapy is lie "personal training light." It involves a lot of stretching and some basic strength exercises. The consensus? My pelvis is slightly twisted, owing to some tendons that are not stretched enough and muscles that are not strong enough. My abdominal muscles are completely weak because of the pregnancy.

I'm feeling better, thankfully.

***

It's hot as hell here. Literally. Been getting up into the low 100's this week. After a rather horrid aborted attempt at a run outside last week at the early hour of seven in the morning, I decided that running would be limited to the treadmill for the duration of the summer. Running on the treadmill is NOT FuN.

***

I've decided to slowly increase my daily runs over the next few weeks. I am going from three days to four, and I am adding a quarter-mile or so to each run per week. This week I am up to 2.5 miles, with a quarter-mile warm up and cool down. I'm getting it in at just about 32 minutes. Not great, but getting a little better. Once I get up to three mile runs, I will do some speed training.

***

I'm finally losing some weight. A few pounds, nothing to get excited about. But, I am noticing better muscle definition. I am also weaning Mia. I think I sense a connection.

Run for the Cheetah

Saturday was the day for my first official 5K and the completion of my Couch to 5K program. This race wound through Papago Park, between the Phoenix Zoo and the Botanical Gardens. It was much smaller and more relaxed than the Pat Tillman run. I'm not a fan of huge crowds, especially when I am pushing the jogging stroller, so it was refreshing to get there early. We found a great parking space and I was one of the firsts to pick up my number and t-shirt. My parents came to watch the kids, and I was off. I found my rhythm quickly and settles into the slow but steady task of completing 3.1 miles. There we re many, many people who alternated between flat-out sprinting and walking, and I wanted to tell them to take it slow and enjoy it. As it was, I eventually out-paced them. I ran the entire race, slowing only for one water break. The route was beautiful. I managed to summon the energy to sprint the last half mile, and I came it at 39:58. I was hoping to make it under 40 minutes, so I just squeezed in under my self-imposed time limit. Just under 13-minute miles again. Best of all, I feel energized and ready to take on whatever.

Connor decided to join in the festivities by running the kid's 100-yard dash. He did very well, and managed to avoid completely taking out the little kid who ran right into his path. When it was over he said, "That's wasn't very long." I think there may be a few runs in his future.

Now that the C25K program is over, I am not sure where to go from here. I am concentrating on distance now instead of time. This week I am doing 2.8 miles in about 40 minutes. I find that pushing the jogging stroller while I run increases my time by about one minute per mile. Once I am up to three miles (by next week), I will looking into the One Hour Runner program. Eric and I agreed, however, that all of these races are getting expensive.

I have heard that getting through the first 20 minutes of exercise is the hardest part. Me, on the other hand, I find that the first 30 are tough, but after that, I get great gobs of energy. My pace increases significantly, and I feel that I can go on forever. I'll have to read up on this phenomenon, but I am guessing it has to do with the body's release of stored energy and endorphins. Endorphins make you feel good!

I joined a gym, in the hopes of building muscle strength and cross-training. Today I will get in for some strength training and a spin class. I've been looking forward to it all week.

I'm Alive

I began the eighth week of the C25K program today. 28 minutes of non-stop running. Yeah, I'm a bad-ass. I'm not entirely fast, though, although I have been assured that speed will increase as my mileage does.

Eating has, well, sucked for the most part since last we met. I need to lay off hte little voice in my head that is making it difficult for me. I haven't really lost any more weight, but hey, I'm running 2.5 miles now. That's pretty good. In honor of a stressful night which involved Erix working, the baby NOT sleeping, and me being generally stressed out, I ate a Burger King meal today -- and I got it large. I ate the whole thing. No, I'm not feeling good right now.

Mia is thisclose to crawling. She is fearless. Connor is not a risk-taker, and I've always taken for granted that I don't have to worry about him. Mia, on the other hand, will cause me worry, and, likely, grey hair.

Getting Over It

Today should have been a relatively happy day for me. I finished week five of the C25K program, which boils down to about two miles of running, with no walking breaks. I did it, I did it with Mia in the jogging stroller, and I did it without stopping.

It has come to my attention, and not in an easy way, that I have been partaking in that old pastime called "wallowing." It's ain't pretty, and it ain't good. There's a certain indelicateness about wallowing; it has implications that suggest unkemptness and self-indulgence. I promise that I have been bathing, brushing my teeth and combing my hair. Really.

It has come to my attention, however, that I have been spending my time waiting for something or other, and figuratively emotionally crouching, as though waiting for the blow to land. This is, more or less, stupid. This is not really living.

Despite all my running success, I feel full and slow, unable to really deal with certain issues that need to be addressed. Sorry for being vague; public forum and all. Tomorrow, I am going to take a few hours for myself, away from the kids and the husband and the house full of chores to be done, and I am going to get over it and move on.

Pitfalls

I read somewhere that most people fall out of the C25K running program somewhere around the fourth or fifth week. I can understand why. The initial "this is exciting" feeling has worn off, I realize it's just another day of running, and there are a million other things to do today. It would have been easy enough to come up with excuses why I couldn't run today. But if I were being honest with myself, it would simply mean that I didn't want to do it.

I did it anyway. Week four, day one. At this stage, I am running more than I am briskly walking. I have a tendency to over think situations, and it's daunting to think about that. But I am reminded of some advice Eric gave me a while back: your mind will give out before your body does. It's true. When I am running during those five-minutes stretches, I have force my mind clear. If I think it's hard, then it will be. If I focus on other things, then those minutes fly by.

Lost 2.5 pounds this week. Am now down to 153.6 Woot! I am seeing better muscle definition in my legs, too.

I Found Nirvana

I bought new running shoes yesterday. I went to a specialty store called Roadrunner Sports, which has one of its two state stores conveniently near my house. Let me just say this, I will never buy another pair of shoes (or at least running shoes) until I try them out on a treadmill first. I ended up with Aisics Cumulus 10.

First I have to say how much I loved this store. I want to move INTO the store, that is how much I love the store. The people who work there, especially the woman who helped me through the Shoe Dog experiment and the subsequent trying on of five pars of shoes. I felt like a little girl, and I wanted to run around and touch everything. I also wanted to talk to everyone and exchange digits and promises to get together to train.

I took them out for a run today, and they were good. It seems I have freakishly narrow heels, but the rest of my feet are normal. So, to sum up, it's very difficult finding shoes that won't cut of the circulation in my mid-foot while my heel sloshes around in the back.

Bless poor Eric. He contended with the fussy baby while I got each pair tied "just right" and took each for a spin on the treadmill.

I took my Biology exam today. The two multiple choice portions were graded immediately. I scored 90% (exactly) on both of them. I have a 90% in the course up to now. So here's hoping I didn't totally fail the essay portion of the test. I should know by next Tuesday. Wouldn't it be a real "hoot" if I actually got on A in this class?

I will resist the urge to throw my scale in the oven

Beginning weight: 154.6
Last week: 155.4
This week: 156.4

That's a net gain of 1.8 pounds in two weeks. So. not. good.

If I say I want to cry about it, I would be understating how I feel. I was back to my pre-pregnancy weight at five months with Connor. Mia is six months old, and I am still 26 pounds up. To add insult to injury, it's pretty hot here lately, and I went to put on a pair of shorts. I accidentally grabbed a pair that I wore pre-pregnancy, and the wouldn't even button. My middle is decidedly poochy, and my butt is huge.

I have been trying to eat better, I really have. I have a feeling I may not be eating enough. Breastfeeding and all. And those Girl Scout cookies aren't helping, either. I need to sit myself down and have a heart to heart about my diet. The fact that my diet sucks, for example.

So what do I need to do about it? I'm too stressed out, and I eat in my moments of anxiety. I am down to the last week of my Biology class, and I am cramming for my final, which I need to take Friday. The first time I went through college, I took mostly English lit and humanities classes. They were, for all intents, easy for me. Biology is like a foreign language, and even though I have a 91% in the class right now, I have had to work very, VERY hard to keep it. I have spent countless hours each week reading, outlining notes, writing essays, and doing at-home labs. I'd guess about 20 hours per week, which is a lot. It's like a part-time job, but I am not getting paid for it. It also means I spent a lot of time on my aforementioned large butt. I don't like it, but there's not much I can do about it.

I plan on taking a few weeks off before starting my next class. In case you're wondering, I take online classes. I need to get organized. This means getting the house in order, doing wiser grocery shopping, and cooking for myself more. As it is, with Eric being gone four nights a week, I tend not to cook for myself.

It is also possible that I might not lose weight until I stop breastfeeding. I am almost 35, and I've noticed that the weight comes on faster than it used to and comes off harder. I lost 25 pounds prior to having Mia, so I know that I can do it.

I have been doing well with the Couch to 5k program, and I even signed up for a 5k at the end of April. I have been take Mia with me, in our Jeep jogging stroller. It's good for both of us; she gets a nap in, and I get my exercise. It has a hookup for my iPod, so I can listen to my podcasts over the stroller's speakers instead of earbuds that I am constantly adjusting as I run. I completed week three, day one today. I'm about a quarter of the way there!

Self Sabatoge and the Lost Art of Feeling Sorry for Oneself

I.am. so. tired.

Ah, the collective whiny cry from moms of babies all over the world. (Except they probably say it in Mandarin or Sanskrit.) Yup. she's got a severe case of Icantbeawayfrommommyitis, which is kind of sucky. She's good for about five hours -- from 7 to midnight, but then it's up anywhere from 45 minutes to two hours, bt mostly in the 90-minute range.

It's her sixth-month birthday today or anniversay or halfaversary or whatever you want to call it. I think it's time we had the talk. you know, the one where I tell her that it's not totally unreasonable for me to expect her to only wake once or twice a night, instead of four or five. Maybe if I took the bull by the proverbial horns and let her cry it out a little, things might improve. Still, Connor needs to be up early for school and it's so much easier to just nurse her back to sleep than fight it.

*Sigh*

It's more than just the baby, however. My diet has been horrible. Too much caffeine, not enough water, too much sugar and carbs, not enough of the healthy stuff. And although I feel great keeping up with the C25K program, eating is just as important. I need fuel for my body, and downing a handful of mini-Hershey bars is not going to do it.

So, to sum up: Excersize, good. Diet: bad. Sleep: nil. Self-respect: dwindling.

Time to regroup.

I have my Bio final this week. I should be studying, and I am doing anything but. It's amazing what you can find on the internet when you should be outlining notes.

Reasons for not running today

1. Tess, my four-footed running partner, tried to eat a beagle. I decided to leave her at home. She was most upset and howled for the duration, which upset my other two dogs. I am sure the neighborhood would appreciate it if I just took her with me from now on.

I could not take her, though, because Eric was still sleeping (despite the absolute chaos taking place in our backyard, so I decided to take Mia with me in the as yet unused jogging stroller.

2. The jogging stroller. So pretty with it's orange and black color scheme and ultra cool with an iPod hookup to external speakers. I got it halfway down the block before I realized that the tires were flat. (This was my second return trip home, the first to return Tess.)

3. Eric was roused by the dogs barking -- finally - and I yelled at him through the security door to find me the air pump for the tire. Poor Eric. He wasn't quite awake yet and was still trying to piece together why on earth the dogs were having a complete meltdown in the backyard.

Air pump was found, Eric fixed my tires, and I changed Mia, who had managed to spit up half of her rice cereal and pears on her onesie and pants. Set out once again. A little less determined, but I figured I couldn't give up now, especially since Eric was in his tired/confused/annoyed state.

4. I use Robert Ullrey's podcasts for the Couch to 5k program. They are set to music, and the times are spaced out perfectly. I don't have to watch the timer to see when to run and when to revert to brisk walking. In my haste to finally get going, I turned on the week four podcast instead of the week two podcast. I was four minutes into what should have been a two-minute run before I realized me mistake and inevitably found the right spot in the correct pocast.

I could have given up, but I didn't. And although my running is barely faster than my brisk walking, I feel accomplished.

***

Weight check:

Starting weight (and last week): 154.6
This week: 155.4

Gained half a pound. While my exercise has been great, I need to eat better. *Sigh*

Calories and Fat Grams

Yeah, so I have been tracking my nutrional intake with BabyFit.com. According to "them," I am to eat a minimum of 2000 calories per day, since I am breastfeeding. I "totally pigged out" today, including a tall white mocha latte from Starbucks (soy), and half a Freschetta's pizza (pepperoni). 1700 freaking calories.
WTF?
Then I checked out my fat grams, and I'm over 70.How the heck do I increase my calories and decrease my fat grams? At least my protein intake was stellar.

Getting off the Couch

Instead of cursing every time I hop on the scale or chide myself for eating all the wrong things, I have decided to do something about it. How novel, no? Yesterday, I began the Couch to 5K program (again). Before I got pregnant with Mia, I was running four times a week, looking very good in my size six jeans, and generally feeling pretty healhy.Right now, I weigh 155 pounds, am sometimes squeezing into a size ten, and was horrified to see myself in a swim suit from our recent vacation pictures in Mexico. Will post picture at some other time. Not to mention that I have a closet full of very nice clothes that no longer fit over my behind. And then there's the muffin top. I am sure it is horrid enough to scare small children, and some pets.My goal is to get back to my pre-pregnancy statues by the time Mia turns one in September. I'd also like to have a 5K and maybe a 10K under my belt by then.Here's the plan:*C25K runs, Wednesday, Friday and Sunday*Yoga or Pilates -- Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday*Strenght Training -- Monday, Wednesday, Friday*Tai Chi and Step and intervalsI also joined the fine folks over at BabyFit. I tried to sign up through SparkPeople, but they rejected me because I am breastfeeding. I find it very useful to write down everything that I eat. According to the BabyFit nutritional guide, I should be eating a minimum of 2000 calories per day. I am lucky if I can squeeze in 1600. And drinking 100 oiunces of water? That is going to be a challenge.Look out world, here comes my larger than life butt in a pair of yoga pants!